Thoughts

What defines mental health, and issues surrounding it?

Is it that simple? Probably not.

I don’t think you can define mental health in specific ways, as everyone thinks and behaves differently. What is defined for one is not necessarily defined the same for others.

How then do you talk about what you are feeling, or thinking? How do define your thoughts well enough so that someone who cares about you can understand, be it a partner, a friend, a colleague, or a Councillor.

How do you get past the feelings of hopelessness? The feelings of despair.

I write this today because I don’t know. I’m so stuck in in-decision about things that I want to share, and can’t It bogs down the mind. I feel like my mental health is getting worse. I don’t know what to do, and that scares me.

I used to be in control, and know what I was doing–Or was that  a false idea. I’m not even sure at this point.

I feel like I’m slipping. I don’t like this.

What makes it worse, is that I also feel like I’m “aware” of everything. Like I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know my life is ok, and that there are people in worse situations, but it still hits me in waves.

I feel like I’m letting my friends down as I try to fight this. The people that have been there for me for so much. I don’t know how to tell them what I feel, or think.

Most of it sounds silly to me when I say it out loud.

How can I tell the ones closest to me what I’m thinking? I don’t want to put this on others, it’s not fair to them.

I just don’t know how much more I have the strength for. I can fight through one wave, and be happy, and then it comes back seemingly stronger. Or does it just feel that way?

I don’t want to burden, or be a burden, on anyone. This is my fight to get through but I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start. I’ve considered a Councillor, but I don’t know if I can talk to them.

I guess by writing this post I’m trying to see if “getting it out” helps. There’s still such a stigma with regards to mental health that I don’t know how to feel about putting it “out there”.

I know my friends want to help when they see me post something ‘unhappy’ but I don’t know how to express it. How to say what I feel. So I disappear offline and be alone, which probably doesn’t help.

I feel broken.

I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I felt I had to post. Will it help? I hope so. I don’t want to let my friends down, or make them see me differently because of this.

I need help.

(NB: I’m sorry this is not about writing on this post, but I had to get my thoughts out on this one.)